Ah, Christmas.

No not really. I don't care much about it, I think Santa is more focused on than the nativity scene (do you see free pics at malls with nativity scenes?) and frankly, its all getting a bit of a sham.

But still, it is a good excuse to take stock of what happened in the past year and what is still to come. By far, 2008 has been the second most roller coaster ridden year in my brief 2 decade life. I do not doubt that worse - and better - will come. But for the first time this year, I wouldn't change a thing. I didn't achieve anything mindboggling, I lost more than I even realised I had to lose, and I definitely learnt a lot about myself - not all of it too pretty (for instance, I can't hold down a long island followed by 5 barman pitcher glasses). But I found something that till now was mostly externalised - I found out what I needed to respect myself. And it has nothing to do with what others, family, friends, a job, a holiday, anything, can give me. Its to be able to untangle my dreams and what I want from what others want, or more pressingly, what others need from me. When a decision is all your own, no matter the consequences, its easier to deal with them.

And the strange thing is, the best moments of my life this year have been the result of decisions made without overthinking. Even when I knew there would be hell to pay. I value experiences more than successes. I would rather travel across Thailand with a backpack and a thousand dollars than spend two grand on a 5 day 5 star resort break. The sad part, though, is that I seem to judge people by that parameter - I see their age as a function of how much experience they have. I expect those who have had more experiences in life to be older, wiser. So not true! The same 2 people can come away from an experience with the clarity of a new born baby's eyes or the clouded vision of a cynical 80 year old. The trick is perhaps to immerse your senses in it, to feel everything in slow motion, to not rush, to let it flow. To not push, prod and have a need for a response. To express and then let it be.

Easier said than done. Humans live on expectations.