I can't say I feel the same. Not this weekend anyway. I don't know what it is, but something has been eating at me all week. Its not so much something, as the specific lack of anything. Completely indifferent and working on auto pilot during the chaotic meltdown that ensued after a catastrophic server breakdown that occured at work last wednesday,  I've really been trying to feel something. A sliver of  raw emotion. Even panic (God knows the business guys were down that street for at least 48 hours, and were bent on dragging IT down with them!) Ambition. Excitement. Stagnation. Frustration. Something. Anything. I know who to call to have a fun weekend, to take my mind off all this for short enough a time. I thought of going for a movie by myself and browsing the bookshop's on Swan Street, large CoffeX latte in hand - my usual medicine for days when I have the blues.

Today even the weather was fantastic - drizzling at a cool 26 degrees - perfect for a movie or a walk in the city. The kind of weather which 3 years ago would make me walk out of a library a day before practicals. But no one appealed. Not even me alone appealed. No one who was good enough to share it with. I know, I'm being picky. I was waiting for something to shake me out of my reverie. Today, everyone tells me about their plans. I play victim. Tickets sold out. But you have a car and I don't. I don't have anyone to go with. My sister has exams (I never even asked her). I don't know. I'm just...upset. And I want to be.

What am I waiting on? A person? Oh cmon, don't tell me, am I that desperate already? At 22? No, it can't be that. An event? Something life changing? I could change my life right now. If I decided to pick up a pen and paper and do something about my dreams I don't doubt I'd reach there within 3 years. But I've always had that option haven't I? Maybe I'll regret it once I don't. Once I'm too old. Or something.

Then what is it you want to do darling which you can't, which is driving you so indifferent to all the stuff that's going for you? Maybe I could drive if I had a car. Just drive and drive and drive. With nice music. Going nowhere? But I don't have a car. Plan B. I want to sit in bed and read a stupid book about the Taliban and Mahesh Bhatt (Temptations of the West, Pankaj Mishra) and I want to be miserable. And for no reason at all. Best of all, I want a reason. I think its unfair that I don't have a reason. I could claim stress, emotional trauma, physical overwork, anything. They would all be valid reasons if someone had seen my life for the past 2 weeks. But its not any of these. Because I'm indifferent to everything people, circumstance and life is telling me. Because, frankly, my dear, I couldn't give a damn.

Someone please entertain me. I need some life injected into my existence. I'm actually going to die of boredom. I really really will. My mental faculties will shut down. My emotional faculties already have.