somewhere in the arguments

somewhere in the justifications

we both were innocent

now we're both guilty

now i can't believe you

even though i want to

now i can't believe me

even though i need to

i needed you

promises so well intentioned

diseased by self obsession

you shut me out when i called for you

and now you want to be there for me

but you have no integrity

no strength

no character

with what faith would i come to you?

started out so pure

what tainted our love

murky shadows of ifs and buts

no sentence meaning just what it is

what poisoned you into lies and deceipt

i speak to my friends

they tell me you told them all my secrets

you told them not to tell me they knew

all the ones i cried and confessed

during the moments of nothingness in each others arms

my most well kept darknesses

you told them

do you know how much i fought my inner demons?

do you know how hard it was to reveal it to you?

my innermost sins, i let you in on them

so you could see right through me

cause i wanted you to know me through and through

i wanted you to be the one person who saw me

you abused that right

and you told them

yet you told them?

so simply, so cruelly?

and you told your friends about our secrets

and your family about things that were just for you and me

you never felt anything while you said those words?

while you betrayed us?

crashed even the little that was real to the ground?

was it that easy for you to slander it all?

was it that easy for you to let go?

it wasnt that easy for me

it still isnt

but i never told them any of yours

and i never will

i never revealed your most private shames

the ones you whispered with fear of rejection in your eyes

i protected you

hell, i almost mothered you

when i was a child

mentored you

when i was still learning

made your dreams come true

while mine were crashing

i protected you for years

from yourself

from your fears

even when you had left me

cared nothing for me

even when you came back asking for my company

i soothed you even when i needed soothing

i calmed you when i was simmering

i cheered you while i was despondent

then for a minute i let my feelings through

asked you why you did this to me

still you ask me

what are you trying to make me do, break up with her?

still you tell me

i will never come back if this is how you are, is that what you want?

i cared for you

i would've given up everything

i had dreams of running to your side

being the girl who saved your life

i guess

i was foolish and young

i wanted to know you

every part of your mind, body and soul

on the plane,

so embarrassingly human

but i loved you the same

no matter how wrong

no matter how small

every childhood fragment of memory

every place close to your heart

every thought and every action

i wanted to know everything

i wanted to know you

better than yourself

even when you resisted

i dug out the parts you didnt want to deal with

helped you sort out your past

will she?

you were my partner

you were meant to dance with me

the weekdays, the weekends and the holidays

the everydays and the special days

you were meant to witness everything

everything

i would've opened up my entire heart to you

i would've opened my entire life for you

and that's not an easy thing for me to do

im not like other people that way

even though i never believed in firsts or lasts

you were meant to be my first, my last

and everything in between

you were meant to be

everything

did i not say it loud enough?

did you decide not to hear me?

did you decide not to care?

did you not understand that you were my destiny?

did you not understand the power of the ring?

di you not understand through thick and thin?

with 60 days of trauma

you erased the 5 years

and the 50 ahead

for i can never come back now

even when every muscle aches to

every thought is for you

every fantasy is, still, with you.

and if you need me to return

then change something

make me believe

that i can trust you

that i can need you

that i can care for you

that i can protect you

without being hated

for losing my strength just for a few weeks

that you will not lie to me

about the small things

the big things

and the in between

make me believe

you will not deceive me

i hadn't left yet

but i will now.

i will not be taken for a fool.

i will not be slave to my emotions.

i will choose against my will.

don't make me do that.

the last thing i want

is for you to forget about this story

and leave this song unsung

but right now

these words are caught in my throat

and they dont deserve to be

i shouldn't have to make myself desirable

you know what i am

you know who i am

you know my strengths

and my weaknesses

and you know where to find me

you left me alone in a foreign country

unloved, confused, desperate, angry

you left me without even your friendship

it was easy for you

you were with your family

there is a law of karma

you are alone in a foreign country

desperate, confused and angry

i came to you with my last remaining shred of strength

it wasn't easy for me

i am not with my family

now feel it

and tell me

was it fair to cut off my only life support

in a cold melbourne winter?

i hear winters are pretty cold there too.

(shifted from my other blog, which i am closing down. http://techsieveonline.blogspot.com still stays alive though).

Comments (Sorry can't "import"  'em):

Onkar Joshi said...

TSO said...