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Death of a friendship is perhaps more painful when it is least painful. Because it makes you realise that you are little less emotional than you think, a little more stoic than you hoped to me. Part of this stoicism comes from my innate ability to recognize certain emotions as a result of an upcoming change, and to block it till I have the time and emotional capacity to deal with it. But what amazes me is my ability to deal with it, unblock it part by part, analyze and cope with it, by myself, quietly. It amazes me because by nature I am a pretty vocal person. I'm the kind of person who, when asked by Frasier Crane, "Do you ever have an unexpressed thought?" (ref Season2 Episode 11), replies, "No, and why should I?". Is it a part of growing up? That not even the people closest to you will know when you encountered, blocked, stocked, unblocked and resolved a problem. All the while you keep doing life's day to days... I'm not trying to sound like a saint. I'm shocked at myself. I truly am. And its not altogether a pleasant surprise. Because although it means I can take in more, it also means I need to express less. And sometimes, that's not a change too many friendships can handle. Especially 4 year long ones. Especially ones that were built on us dealing wth and listening to each other's problems at the end of the day, no matter how trivial. That were based on never thinking about whether one should bother the others with such a trivial bout of emotion But that's what it is right. It's just emotion. Too many times, I give in just because its easier, not because I was wrong. This time, I won't give in to the other party's definition of a mistake. I won't feel guilty for not sharing emotions that run too deep for me to even admit to myself, for not justifying my sudden absence with remedial actions. I won't try and explain that what they think I feel and the limitations what they think I understand about them, both are being limited by their vision. I don't owe anyone a statement of how I feel. I decide if I want to share it. There is such a thing as private grief.